Battling a corporate bully

In the movie Whiplash, the music teacher was ruthless about the quality of the music from the players. He would build them up and break them down with words and psychological games. It was fascinating, and it reminded me of a few very dark years in my life. I met a challenge I felt could not overcome on my own.

I have always prided myself in terms of my work ethic and take great joy in delivering quality services for my stakeholders. This work ethic served me well as I progressed in the corporate world. It was not often that I encountered a stakeholder that didn't appreciate me.

My story is about a certain stakeholder who was in a slightly higher ranking, to whom I needed to provide a service. This person turned my life and my confidence upside down. I was literally brought to my knees (emotionally). It still fascinates me that one person was able to have such a devastating impact and influence on my confidence and peace of mind.

I began to become aware of the way they spoke about my work in front of other stakeholders. I perceived this as attacking and critical. Initially, I responded by working harder for them. I tried to understand their needs so that I could satisfy their requests. I courageously approached them, one on one expressing that I sensed they didn't trust me and I tried to assure them I was on their side. These conversations were normal and civil and did not include the criticism and treatment I experienced in the larger settings. I walked out with hope and continued to work hard.

However, when the full team got together for regular meetings, I once again felt as if the bullets were fired in my direction. The hardest part for me was that I respected this person and their achievements. I saw them as successful, clever, and passionate. My positive perception about them, made me question myself. If they think my work sucks and I believe they know what they are talking about, then I must be wrong!

I started shrinking into silence in the team meetings for fear of being "attacked". When I perceived I was being "attacked", I froze and could hardly respond. I felt as though I was becoming smaller and smaller. My work began to be impacted due to my emotional situation. After these meetings, I would play their words over and over in my mind, figuring out what I should have said or done, defending myself in my mind. Sometimes I would cry and cry. I was on edge and going deeper down the emotional spiral. Some nights I could not sleep as I mulled over where I could have improved.

I was privileged to have a coach at this stage, and I endlessly spoke about this stakeholder, struggling to find ways to win them over. My coach encouraged me to take them off the pedestal and stop bending backward for each request they made. Further encouraging me to NOT do what they wanted. Slowly I got a bit of control back.

I started responding to my stakeholder, saying things like,” This format works for me, it’s not designed to be specifically to address your needs." I was pushing back!

I was proactive, searched the internet for some useful advice, and found a few statements which resonated with how I might respond. I prepared some handy cards to have ready in a meeting to pull out and read to my stakeholder if I froze again!

You may find these useful too:

• I know you would do it differently, but this is my responsibility/project

• No, I’m planning to do it this way.

• This is part of my responsibilities, not yours

• Thank you, but I’ve got this covered

• I feel like you’re telling me I’m bad at my job

• I hear that you want to help, but it’s not necessary. Please respect my work and let me complete it on my own.

• We each have our deadlines, let’s just focus on completing our own work on time

• Thank you for your insight on this situation, xx. But I feel confident in my ability to complete this activity accurately. I’ll be sure to look for suggestions from the whole team if I get stuck

• I’m not sure if you realise it, but it can feel like you point out every little mistake made by other team members, which is demoralising. It can feel like you don’t value the rest of the team’s contributions. I am hoping we can get back to a balanced team approach in which everyone has equal input and everyone’s efforts are valued

• I feel as if you are taking issue with my work lately. I’ve noticed that you are pointing out quite a number of areas where you would do things differently. This is affecting morale around the office. I know that sometimes we all catch each other’s mistakes, but criticising every little action or publicly announcing errors to the entire team hurts morale

• Okay, thanks for the feedback. I will consider that as I progress the work

• I’ve always appreciated the chance for everyone to contribute equally to the team. I’ve always felt comfortable sharing my ideas and putting my work out there. However, lately, there is a shift. I feel as though some people are exerting more authority and pointing out mistakes others are making. I am also noticing that some issues being raised aren’t even mistakes but rather a difference in opinion on how things are done. I’ve noticed a change in morale because of this issue, and it seems to be affecting productivity

• Hey xxx, I am on your team. Let’s talk to each other as a team!

• Divisive language about others will not help us achieve our collective objective

• What can we do to reach our objective bearing in mind the players we need to work with?

• I don’t appreciate being spoken to as though I am less than you. We do not have a culture of demeaning others on this team

• At this point, I am going to continue to use my proven method to get the job done.

• While I appreciate your feedback, my method of handling this task is just as effective as yours. If I need assistance, I’ll take the issue to the team

Just preparing these cards made me feel stronger and I felt like I had ammunition for the next battle! Funny, I never got to use these cards. It was as though I was already shifting my attitude.

One day, I decided to stop. I called the stakeholder and said I would not do it any longer. I was no longer going to "try" to service them. I no longer saw them as my client. It was weird because they effectively still were my stakeholder and I should have cared, but I physically and emotionally could not bear it any longer. Their response was strange, my stakeholder seemed quite confused and bewildered about my state of mind and could not understand what I was talking about, they apologised.

I no longer cared what they thought, I was on the healing path, I became aware, that for some reason, still unknown to me, nothing I would do or say would be acceptable to this person. It felt like they saw me as inferior and either were unaware of the impact of their words or if they were aware, felt it was appropriate to break me down. Maybe they felt threatened or jealous of me. I will never know.

I do thank this stakeholder though, for if it wasn't for this incredibly difficult challenge in my life, I may have missed my opportunity to find the Lord of Lords! Towards the end of my saga, I found myself in Church. As we sang, I realised I had forgotten that my Almighty Lord loves me and is there for me. I realised I didn't need to carry this burden. Right there I handed my issues to my Saviour. I was surrounded by great, healing love and I felt peace.

This happened many years ago and the stakeholder is now working elsewhere. Once I changed my attitude, the power they had over me had been broken, and the relationship was on the path to healing.

Have you ever dealt with a corpoate bully? How did you manage your situation? Please add your comments to Facebook post.

God Bless

Tania Hogg