Oh no! I felt a lump.

Last December, was a crappy time. I was having a challenging time at work and wanted to change my job, but because my confidence had been shaken, looking for a new job was hard. Have you ever tried to do a job interview when you are so desperate for a new job? It doesn’t go down well!

Anyhow, that’s a different story. On this occasion, I experienced something I gather a lot of women go through, but don’t talk about much.

Tuesday

In the morning I had a feeling I needed to check my breast and I felt a lump. I called and the Doctors and the receptionist kindly squeezed me in later that day. The lady doctor checked it and said, there are 3 lumps, 2 in one boob and 1 in the other. The good news she says, is they are mobile so they don’t have roots, which means they may be just cysts. However, she asked for me to get an urgent mammogram and ultrasound.

I run to the car and sit waiting on the phone for 10 mins to get an appointment while watching the rain. Eventually, I get a date for Friday, and now I have time to ponder my situation.

That evening was a blur. I worked but felt distracted. I was irritated at everyone and everything, not smiling, not laughing at hubby who was trying to make light of the news. (Did another man touch your breast?) I went to Zumba but was less engaged than usual. I wondered, if I have a limited amount of time, should I live life to the fullest and enjoy it, or swing to the opposite and become as healthy as possible to try to live longer? Would I change and do crazy stuff and say exactly what I like?

This is a record of the feelings I went through, it’s like unconscious anxiousness and uncertainty. I had a little chat with myself, debating that nothing changes. I’m still God’s beloved daughter and still so blessed. If He calls me home sooner, yippy, and if not, yippy! So win-win?

It’s His choice and I am at peace with that and for a while I feel blessed and at peace. Thinking, I have an opportunity to live life to the fullest!! Reminded of Paul and his thorn. I tried to speak to a dear sister who couldn’t take the call and decided to leave it because I don’t have anything to worry about, yet, right? Also, I don’t want to upset others with my drama.

Wednesday

After an intense prayer morning, I was in a great mood (Holy Spirit of course). I’m grasping the importance of appreciating this moment and choosing my response and not negatively impacting others. However, a bit later I did catch myself having “what if” thoughts while brushing my teeth. Going down the negative path and what I might do, so I stopped it there and then. I was very tempted to google my situation, but still managed to not do this.

I felt super grateful for all my blessings, particularly the promise of “it’s all good, whatever or wherever God leads me’. I went to the city and cheered on our students preparing for their graduation! Such a wonderful achievement and an exciting time for them, it made me joyful. I managed to work and was not dwelling on the situation. However, on the train home, as I dozed off again my mind wandered to negative thoughts.

Thursday

I started getting more anxious about the scope of my work expectations within the given time limit and the lack of the right resources. By 3 pm I was freaked out and started crying on my walk. I made an angry call to my husband, saying that if I had cancer, it was my boss’s fault for making me stressed. I guess I had started the blame game. I fell to the temptation of Dr Google. And I’m glad I did because it turns out 80% of lumps are not serious! Guess I was a bit of a drama queen.

Friday

I’m very distracted, jumping from task to task. I was reading about the women in Jesus’ bloodline and was so intrigued by them. They all had super questionable experiences:

• Bathsheba, the married woman becomes the King’s sex object. The King then has her husband killed so he can have more of her. I wondered how she felt about all of this.

• Tamar tricks her father-in-law into sleeping with her, at the risk of her life because he wronged her.

• Rahab is disloyal to her people and city by helping the Israelites overcome Jericho.

• Ruth obeys her mother-in-law’s instruction to get dolled up and lie at the foot of a drunk man’s bed.

I note themes of desperation, hope challenged, limited options, being at the mercy of others, obedience, sin, and positive outcomes. I wonder, does this mean things will go wrong, but it can lead to something positive? Does this mean sin is part of the journey and we need to keep our faith and hope in The Lord?

Eventually, we drive to the Mammogram appointment. It’s quite a drive and hubby kindly takes leave to drive me.

I had a hollow feeling inside at the clinic, it was probably nerves. I felt numb. The actual scan was an awful experience. No one warns you! She pushed and squeezed my boobs into this machine 6 times, this side and that side. It was cold, horrible, painful, and uncomfortable. Then the ultrasound had all this goo and she took so long scanning my breasts. I tried to read their faces for any signs without success.

Saturday

I woke up angry, again directed at my boss. I needed to practice forgiveness. My son needed to go to the doctor, so while I was there, I took a chance and asked if my results were in. (were only due in about 3 days) and they were! The Doctor reports, there are no concerns, check your breasts regularly and do your tests again in two years. Praise God, I’m so grateful, I have tears of joy!!

When you have limited time, it heightens everything. Looking back on this story I forgot that feeling and appreciation of this moment here, this gift right now. What am I choosing to spend my time on, who am I helping and loving and supporting now in this moment? Am I being selfish and focusing on myself and my silly egotistical desires and needs?

Jeremiah 29:11 ~ For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Deuteronomy 31:6 ~ Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”

Proverbs 3:5-6 ~ Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 ~ So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

James 1:2-4 2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.