Expectations - the marriage killer!

Expectations are an absolute marriage killer. It almost ruined my relationship with my husband. I have plenty of expectations and I usually set the bar high. Naturally, it's hard for people to meet my expectations. When they don't, and when I feel like I'm forced to remain with them, I get grumpy and resentful!

This situation makes everyone in the household walk on eggshells. To be honest, we were in quite a bad place. I don’t think my hubby knew the extent to which I was unsatisfied. I tried to express my expectations, but some things simply don’t hold the same level of importance to us. He can live with things lying all over the place, whereas I don’t like that.

We were caught in a vicious cycle of me trying to change him, to meet my expectations. It was impacting my son, as I would flick into absolute rages of anger. My son once described me as being petrifying. (So sad).

Divorce was not an option, for my son's sake. However, sometimes I would imagine us separating, or living alongside each other but effectively disconnected.

In August 2019, my journey of faith led me to an Alpha course. Through these sessions, I became aware of how my negative thoughts of anger and irritation about my husband were impacting my relationship with God. It was holding back my connection with God. I cried in Church and knew I needed help.

I asked some prayer warriors to pray over the situation and they gave me some nuggets. My husband is NOT my partner, God is my partner. They asked me to focus on seeing myself yoked to God.

I went off, happy and things were good for about 4 days, and then it overcame me again. I can't even remember what triggered my anger, probably a lack of action which made me think he is lazy, which spirals into many other accusations particularly exposing my base fear of not having enough or being without (scarcity mentality).

I was so disappointed with myself that I darted out of the house for a walk and talked with God. I pleaded with Him to help me, and as clear as day I heard God ask me what I want. I started saying things like equality, but then I paused and said, “I just want to feel protected and safe.”

It was like everything became clear in that instance. And I giggled. How can I expect my husband to protect me, I can't even protect myself. No human has that power. My life is totally in God’s hands. At that moment I was healed, and my relationship was saved by truly shifting my dependence from my husband, and onto God.

I came home and saw my husband in a new light. He is my gift from God, my best friend. Thankfully my husband has many wonderful traits, and I am super blessed to have him in my life! However, when I was under the power of fear, I couldn't focus on these qualities, my focus was on what he wasn't giving me.

Our circumstances didn't change; however, my attitude has, and more often I am working on responding in love and gratitude. Sure, there are always going to be unmet expectations and sometimes when the anger starts building, I turn to God and ask Him why he tests me like this! “Here Lord, have him, he’s your son, I give up”.

I’ve also learned to ask for forgiveness as (surprise surprise), I’m not always right! The air in our home has been renewed and I don’t think my son even remembers that angry person I used to be. Thanks be to God!

If this story hits a chord in you, my encouragement is this; I know it is hard living with someone who is not meeting your expectations. I know it is hard to forgive. I don’t think we can do this on our own. I encourage you to hand this plaguing issue over to God. Don’t let it steal your peace and joy any longer. God wants you to be at peace and seek him, put your life and all your needs in His hands, and let Him care for you 100%.

Here's a prayer for you to pray right now:

My Father God

Thank you for your unconditional love, Father I am feeling so low and stuck and unhappy. Please help me. Help me to hand all of this to you. (Tell God what is bugging you).

Thank you, Lord, that you forgive me for my anger, my hatred, my dissatisfaction. Please wash me clean through the blood of Christ. Please renew my mind and empower me with your love. Help me to forgive xxx for xxx.

Thank you, Lord, for your unconditional love.

Amen

Philippians 4 verses 6-7

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Our wedding day

This is about 22 years ago - Only through the grace of God that we made it this far!